Sometimes the tears just flow. No one knows why, least of all me. Logic says there is nothing in the world to cry about. I have actually gotten good sleep for a change. The pain has been manageable today. The budget balances. My husband loves me. Cairo (my kitten) has been exceptionally well-behaved. I have not had to speed clean the house in anticipation of "proper company."
And yet the devil knows all the right moves to twist everything good about today into something discouraging. I got good sleep, but at the expense of "wasting" my entire morning. My pain is manageable because I took so much medicine last night that I'm still foggy-headed today. The budget may balance, but we're barely making ends meet. How can I be content in my husband's love when I feel so utterly inadequate to receive it? I miss him when he's gone, but I'm too sick to be a good companion when he's home. Why has Cairo been so calm? Is he sick? Is he sad? What disaster did he cause while I was asleep that he is trying to hide? My house didn't have to be cleaned, but now I'm living in a messy house. I have not been useful enough to earn happiness today.
As I sit here typing, it occurs to me that this kind of thinking is the root of why I'm so scared of life after 23. My plans have always been about making myself useful. The pursuit of happiness, in my mind, is the pursuit of being useful - specifically my idea of being useful.
In all the stress of the past several years, Satan has gotten hold of this way of thinking and gotten a foothold in my heart. Peter cautions us to "be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I have clearly lost sight of this warning. Thankfully, Jesus is in the business of restoring empty shells like me. He says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10)
My idea of an abundant life has been stripped away. The ability to earn that abundance has been lost, perhaps never to return. Yet in the silence that surrounds my inactive form, it seems I am hearing Christ's words for the first time. He came that I might have abundant life. Living abundantly comes from Him, not me. Without Him, I could accomplish every one of my goals and my life would be empty.
God showed me another passage today in my guilt-ridden stillness. "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) All my life, I have heaped workloads on myself and wallowed in the guilt of never being able to live up to my own standards. I have truly been, in every sense of the term, heavy laden. The Lord has given me rest - forced it upon me, really. It's not that I don't have a to-do list. I still have things to accomplish here. They are just the light burden of God's to do list, not my own.
If I want to have the abundant life that Jesus talked about, I must stop listening to the devil's prodding and deceit and give up the heavy burden that has been my companion for so long. Learning to live again is not about going on with no purpose, but relinquishing the goals I created and receiving the ones Christ has for me.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) God has not asked me to give up my dreams, but rather conform them to His purpose for my life. Sometimes the tears just flow. That's ok. He created tears. But perhaps they are not as necessary for days like today as I thought at the beginning of this post. I don't have to listen to the devil's nudge. I can let go of my expectations of myself, delight in the Lord, and focus on on His expectations of me.
His burden is light. Loving my husband, while not always easy, is a joy. My body is a temple. Why should taking advantage of a chance for good, restorative sleep be a problem? Keeping a spotless house, while nice, is not part of the burden God has for me. It's okay. "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." (Isaiah 12:2)
And yet the devil knows all the right moves to twist everything good about today into something discouraging. I got good sleep, but at the expense of "wasting" my entire morning. My pain is manageable because I took so much medicine last night that I'm still foggy-headed today. The budget may balance, but we're barely making ends meet. How can I be content in my husband's love when I feel so utterly inadequate to receive it? I miss him when he's gone, but I'm too sick to be a good companion when he's home. Why has Cairo been so calm? Is he sick? Is he sad? What disaster did he cause while I was asleep that he is trying to hide? My house didn't have to be cleaned, but now I'm living in a messy house. I have not been useful enough to earn happiness today.
As I sit here typing, it occurs to me that this kind of thinking is the root of why I'm so scared of life after 23. My plans have always been about making myself useful. The pursuit of happiness, in my mind, is the pursuit of being useful - specifically my idea of being useful.
In all the stress of the past several years, Satan has gotten hold of this way of thinking and gotten a foothold in my heart. Peter cautions us to "be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I have clearly lost sight of this warning. Thankfully, Jesus is in the business of restoring empty shells like me. He says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10)
My idea of an abundant life has been stripped away. The ability to earn that abundance has been lost, perhaps never to return. Yet in the silence that surrounds my inactive form, it seems I am hearing Christ's words for the first time. He came that I might have abundant life. Living abundantly comes from Him, not me. Without Him, I could accomplish every one of my goals and my life would be empty.
God showed me another passage today in my guilt-ridden stillness. "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) All my life, I have heaped workloads on myself and wallowed in the guilt of never being able to live up to my own standards. I have truly been, in every sense of the term, heavy laden. The Lord has given me rest - forced it upon me, really. It's not that I don't have a to-do list. I still have things to accomplish here. They are just the light burden of God's to do list, not my own.
If I want to have the abundant life that Jesus talked about, I must stop listening to the devil's prodding and deceit and give up the heavy burden that has been my companion for so long. Learning to live again is not about going on with no purpose, but relinquishing the goals I created and receiving the ones Christ has for me.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) God has not asked me to give up my dreams, but rather conform them to His purpose for my life. Sometimes the tears just flow. That's ok. He created tears. But perhaps they are not as necessary for days like today as I thought at the beginning of this post. I don't have to listen to the devil's nudge. I can let go of my expectations of myself, delight in the Lord, and focus on on His expectations of me.
His burden is light. Loving my husband, while not always easy, is a joy. My body is a temple. Why should taking advantage of a chance for good, restorative sleep be a problem? Keeping a spotless house, while nice, is not part of the burden God has for me. It's okay. "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." (Isaiah 12:2)
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