Six months ago, I was on the brink of suicide. So much had happened in so short a time that I could not cope. I had struggled with depression for so long that in the face of new trauma, I could see no other way out. By the grace of God, I stopped midway through the act.
Today, I received the news that a close friend of mine lost his sister to suicide. She had been struggling with depression for years and it finally claimed her life. I have been to the edge and back again. Now, I see a different side of it - the side of my friends and family had my decision that crucial day been fully realized.
The question those left behind ask the most, I think, is, "Why?" Why would a beautiful flower like her feel the need to end it all? Why are the rest of us left here to suffer? Why did God not stop her? What was it that outweighed her desire to remain with those that loved her? Was there anything we could have done to stop her? To prevent this awful tragedy?
Anger is not far behind. Thinking about this issue growing up, my lack of understanding often turned to a hot, hurt judgement of those who would choose to take their own life. How could they have such a lack of love and respect for those left behind? How could they be so selfish and cause their loved ones such pain? Did they not think about the agony and suffering they would leave in the wake of their actions?
The cold, hard truth is: probably not. It does not mean that they didn't love their friends and family. While their final, devastating action is probably what most will remember about them for a time, it does not define who they were as a person. Speaking from experience and subsequent education, whatever causes a person to commit suicide is not from them. Depression masks a person's true identity and personality. When people say, "I never would have thought that so-and-so would have committed suicide," they are right. That person wouldn't - and didn't.
So why, then, are we grieving this beautiful young woman today? I have no answer for that. I don't think anyone ever will. My experience tells me that she must have been hurting far beyond what most can even imagine. In that moment, it must have seemed her only recourse. No matter the reasons for her depression, no one will ever really know for sure why she felt that way. I had one foot in the grave. There are concrete explanations for my depression. Yet I don't truly know why I felt that way either.
Life after 23, for me, seems to stretch down an endless stream of unknowns and empty dreams. I have been struggling, even now, for a reason to go on. In the face of this tragedy, I realize that it doesn't matter if the pages of my book are full or empty. It doesn't matter how my book turns out. What matters is others' books. How can I help my friend through this awful time he is going through? I don't know why this had to happen to him and his family. Even though I almost went the way of his sister, I can't help him make sense of it any better than anyone else. But I can be there for him. I can take him to the foot of the Cross. I can love him through it. I can stop focusing on my book and focus on his - and others' - for a change.
For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:9-11
Today, I received the news that a close friend of mine lost his sister to suicide. She had been struggling with depression for years and it finally claimed her life. I have been to the edge and back again. Now, I see a different side of it - the side of my friends and family had my decision that crucial day been fully realized.
The question those left behind ask the most, I think, is, "Why?" Why would a beautiful flower like her feel the need to end it all? Why are the rest of us left here to suffer? Why did God not stop her? What was it that outweighed her desire to remain with those that loved her? Was there anything we could have done to stop her? To prevent this awful tragedy?
Anger is not far behind. Thinking about this issue growing up, my lack of understanding often turned to a hot, hurt judgement of those who would choose to take their own life. How could they have such a lack of love and respect for those left behind? How could they be so selfish and cause their loved ones such pain? Did they not think about the agony and suffering they would leave in the wake of their actions?
The cold, hard truth is: probably not. It does not mean that they didn't love their friends and family. While their final, devastating action is probably what most will remember about them for a time, it does not define who they were as a person. Speaking from experience and subsequent education, whatever causes a person to commit suicide is not from them. Depression masks a person's true identity and personality. When people say, "I never would have thought that so-and-so would have committed suicide," they are right. That person wouldn't - and didn't.
So why, then, are we grieving this beautiful young woman today? I have no answer for that. I don't think anyone ever will. My experience tells me that she must have been hurting far beyond what most can even imagine. In that moment, it must have seemed her only recourse. No matter the reasons for her depression, no one will ever really know for sure why she felt that way. I had one foot in the grave. There are concrete explanations for my depression. Yet I don't truly know why I felt that way either.
Life after 23, for me, seems to stretch down an endless stream of unknowns and empty dreams. I have been struggling, even now, for a reason to go on. In the face of this tragedy, I realize that it doesn't matter if the pages of my book are full or empty. It doesn't matter how my book turns out. What matters is others' books. How can I help my friend through this awful time he is going through? I don't know why this had to happen to him and his family. Even though I almost went the way of his sister, I can't help him make sense of it any better than anyone else. But I can be there for him. I can take him to the foot of the Cross. I can love him through it. I can stop focusing on my book and focus on his - and others' - for a change.
For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:9-11
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